Deep Breaths

My hubby was gone most of the weekend.  Yesterday he left for work at 2am and didn't return until 3pm.  I don't know what to say.  I guess I feel a little upset.  If he spent half as much time with us I might feel a little better supported and loved.  And the truth is that he has been so grumpy and tired when he was home that he doesn't want to spend time with us.  He just wants to veg out.  Not that I blame him, but I have been with the children 24/7 for over a week now on top of working on the race. 

Hopefully, this will start to get better since his biannual inspection is over.   I know that some of my upset is due to hormones.  I am just getting to that point in the pregnancy that I am tired and achy, and I just plain need to be loved on a little. 

Did I mention that I hit a mail box with the car yesterday on the way back from the doctor.  I felt awful.  The good news is that when I went to get the estimate for the dent the mechanic said that the little dent and scratch I had just added would be fixed anyway when they fixed the dent.  The bad news, because of the nature of the dent he is unsure if it can be completely fixed and it will cost about $1700.  Ouch!   I know that the families of the boys said that they would take care of it, but that price really hurts.  We will look into  get a few more quotes though.  Perhaps  someone can do it for cheaper.

I think that I am going to ground Supermom for a while. 

Pressure!!!

I have less than two weeks until the race.  I think that I am handling things in a timely manner, but since I have never been in charge of a race before, who really knows how I am doing.  I feel the crunch though.  There are lots of little details that still need to be addressed and one really big one.  I need runners/walkers.  There are only about 20 people registered.  I am afraid of day of registrations that will overwhelm me.  I am also short of volunteers.  I think that I can handle a lot, but in my condition I can not handle everything.

I also have a lot of other pressure.  I had contractions all day yesterday.  That worries me a little bit.  I still have about six weeks and I simply do not have time for the baby to come now.  I am devoting every waking moment to the race and it's details.  I am also praying a lot.  I wish that praying would pay the bills and make dinner.  Unfortunately I have to settle for the comfort that praying through those activities gives me.  Perhaps tomorrow I will feel the pressure starting to ease.

Supermom is feeling as thought being "Super" is just not good enough!

Time Flies

Today I very quickly became aware of how fast time seems to going.  On the way to my sisters I noticed how much color was on the trees.  This is my favorite time of year.  Why does it go so quickly?  One day green, the next trees ablaze with color and tomorrow gone.  It is quite sad.

I notice it in other ways.  Look at the children.  I remember carrying each one.  The day I found out I was pregnant,  the morning sickness, all the preparations and of course the birth.  I remember quite moments with infants and struggling afternoons with toddlers ( that was just yesterday after all).  And how did we go from that to almost a teenager with Abby.  

I am not sure why there are certain moments when we are more aware of the speed at which our life goes.  Overall we are only a tiny blip in the timeline of the world.  I find that those are times for quite reflection.  I just look back at the memories and smile.  I snuggle my kids close and hold on a little longer than they want.
I touch my belly and follow the foot or hand that moves across it with my own hand, just my skin separating us. 

At the same time I want take the time to consult the to do list and see what has been accomplished and what still needs to be done as time pays no heed. 

How can you feel two such opposing things at once?  I am sure that between the hormones and lack of sleep these feelings will be short lived.  It is Thursday and that always means a lot to be done in preparation for Friday at school.   Good bye Summer.  Hello Fall!

Beyond the rant

Yesterday we experienced a tell tale rant of frustration with the technological world.  Today I want to move beyond that. 

Let's look to technology for the answers.  Not actual technology, virtual or futuristic. 

I have been feeling very down on myself lately.  This is in spite of being so busy as you may have noted in previous blogs.  It has a lot to do with working a lone 90% of the time.  It has something to do with gaining weight at a rate to which I have absolutely no control.  There is something about achy legs and swelling body parts that leaves one discouraged.  And I know there is something to do with a hubby who pays little or no attention to how badly I am feeling or how far a little, "You really look beautiful today". 

Now I know I have a loving hubby.  I know that a lot of what I am feeling is normal for women in my condition.  I would just like some form of alarm or beeper that would kindly remind me what is hormones and  what is my hubby being self absorbed.   Do you think that something like that would be possible?  Perhaps my hubby could use some sort of Perfect hubby marital aide that would gently remind him that even after the vows you need to maintain some upkeep of the romance.  A watch that runs on spouse time and set alarms to remind him to pay a compliment, hug the wife, tell her how much you love her.  Now this would be a great use of technology.  And together the two pieces would work together to achieve some harmony in the home. 

Perhaps I could become rich with such ideas.  Supermom turned super inventor. 

Computers

I have a very complicated relationship with my computer.  It is a love-hate relationship.

There are a great many things that can be done so easily on the computer.  There are many things that people say are easier to do on the computer.  You can type and correct without messy ink.  You can find all kinds of information at the touch of a button.  I hear that you can pay bills on line safely and easily and save the money of a stamp.  I say I hear that, I don't believe it.

I spent the last half an hour trying to do just that with about three of our monthly bills.  What a mess?  You need to create an account for each and feed the computer all sorts of information just for the privilege.   So let's say I do that.  How do I keep track of all the different codes and passwords to gain access to my accounts?  I could keep a list, but then there would be a list lying around for someone to find?   This doesn't sound safe.

So this is for all those places that want to make things easier.  If I can write a check and place it in an envelope, stamp, seal it and walk it to the mailbox faster than I can access or create an account on line then it is not easier!  I will give something about ten minutes before I start to get frustrated and upset .  Frustration is not progress!!!

I would love to go green and save the money of stamps.  I would love to not have to write out so many checks every month ( not that typing an amount and hitting enter would be less painful) .  Until they really do make it fool proof and simple I will stick to my envelopes , stamps and occasional paper cuts.  I am thankful for those mail carriers, even if they are considered "old fashion" or "snail mail".  Sometimes progress is not always improvement.

Little Upsets

Friday was a big day.  We had art class as usual and then there was girl's club.  The question became what to do between the two.  So we picked up McD'S and went to the Zoo.  It was a beautiful day.  The zoo wasn't crowded and the time constraint meant that we stayed just the right amount of time. 

Picked Abby up from school, along with a friend to carpool to girl's club.  The only problem was that two 6th grade boys were goofing around and sort of tackled each other into the side of my car.  It left a rather sizable dent.  Both the boy's mothers saw the whole thing.  They said  they would take care of it.  I wasn't too upset.  I actually laughed.  The thing is that I feel bad.  I know that kids do dumb things and I don't want their parents to have to pay too much for their children's stupidity. My Hubby has no such feelings and is more than happy to let them pay.  I will wait and see what the estimate says. 

I took the other two children to the mall for a quick power shop during girl's club.  We managed to pick up Cinnabuns for Sat. breakfast and a birthday gift for my niece.  Then it was home for a fish fry and movie night.  I was so ready to relax. 

The rest of the weekend was spent on chores, and errands.   We went to the farmers market and apple picking on the farm.  Now I need to do something with all those apples.  The kids loved it though.  It is always nice to get out and do something with them that helps them relate to the beautiful earth God gave us. 

Sunday seemed like work.  We had mass and the b-day party.  We then had a banquet for a pregnancy help center.  Of course I took flyers with me and tried to get some more people excited about the race.  I checked the site and activity is up.  Registration is the same.  I am beginning to wonder what it takes to motivate people? 

Today I have the insurance meeting and then I will be able to get all the official paper work in order.  That will be good.   Things will start to feel more official.    I will have to pray harder for runners.

Making Progress

I finally feel as though I am making progress for the race.  I still only have three people registered.  I am not discouraged though. 

In the last few days I have gotten into some sort of a rhythm.   In the morning while the girls are at school, Nicholas takes a nap and Max just plays quietly.  I get to work.  I set up a make shift command center at the kitchen table.  The laptop gets plugged in, cell phone by the ready, binder opened to the task at hand and a cup of coffee on stand by.  I can usually get about two hours of work done.  I write emails and make phone calls.  At 11 I have to pack the boys up in the car and set off to pick Lily up from school.

I have been able to finish collecting sponsors for the race.  I have started to round up door prizes, sent press releases to papers and update the website.  I have made appointments to finalize insurance, and received permission for the use of land for a water stop.  Things are starting to come together.  Now I just need more runners. 

This morning work time has allowed me to concentrate just on the one aspect of things to get done.  It's like compartmentalizing my life.  When we get back from pick-up, we have lunch, do homework, play outside and do laundry (yes, at the same time.  I fold while I watch the children play)  and occasionally I will get a few less demanding tasks done for the race. 

Once I am home for the evening, very little is done for the race.  dinner, and housework, time with the kids and baby prep, and perhaps catching something desent on TV.  Pack lunches and get ready for the demands of a new day.  Progress if good.  And you can quote Supermom on that!

The Good News

We spent most of the weekend trying to celebrate my B-day.  The fact is that we are not very good at it.  I told my hubby on Saturday morning that it was truly sad that when I tried to think of what I wanted to do all I could come up with were things on the to do list.  They were not indulgent, frivolous things like one should do on their b-day.  Quite honestly if I had a day to do nothing with, and I was given a good book and container of bon-bons I would probably lose my mind in guilt.  Saturday we ended up doing chores and fixing some items on vehicles.  We finished with venison stew at the inlaws.  Not exactly b-day worthy.

Sunday we tried agian.  It started with some good news.  My sister-in-law called to announce that she is expecting!  Most of us thought that this was probably an announcement that was a long way off.  She just found out and couldn't stand to keep any kind of a secret.  We went to Mass and then hoped in the car to have lunch at the Olive Garden.  We had a gift card from last Christmas that made it a little more economical to do with all the children.  The food was great.  We even brought home dessert for later.  Pumpkin cheesecake and a piece of Tirimisu.    Yum!  We did a little shopping for baby essentials and returned home to watch the Packer game.  I had to leave at half-time for CCD and we had a no fuss dinner of left overs.  I think that I finally feel as though there was a little celebrating in honor of the day Supermom was born. 

Today I have spent catching up on race things.  I spent the a.m. sending out press releases to local papers.  I intend to make a few more call and then to call it a day.  Next on the list is to secure water stop locations.  Firm up t-shirt quotes, follow-up with vendors, and finalize insurance information.  Not too much.  Just one thing at a time.  I already got a call from one of the papers about the race on the way to pick Lily up from Kindergarten at noon.  That really was good news.  

Post B-day blues

Yep, that's right yesterday was my birthday.
And because of the funeral I spent most of the day before and the day of with my hubby's grieving family.  So yesterday afternoon at about three when we had some time to give thought to it, I just didn't feel like celebrating. 

We had loads of left overs in the fridge that needed to be used.  That is what we had for dinner.  We went out in search of an ice cream cake.  I had seen that Walmart now carried some and was curious to try one.  Well the one store we chose to go to was the one store that did not carry ice cream cakes.  I didn't want this to become a big production.  We stopped at Culver's on the way home and I settled for an oreo concrete cake.  Not what I wanted.  It was marginal.  Max loved it though.  And the way the children sang happy birthday was hysterical.  We didn't even have any candles we used a lighter.

We have designated Saturday as a make-up B-day so that we can celebrate properly.

There were other disappointments along the way.   Since I am one of twelve you would think that there would be many well wishers.  Only one remembered to send a card and email.  Isn't that sad.  My hubby's family did better.  I received a  card from my hubby's parents, sister, and aunt.  As well as numerous Happy B-day wishes amid the grieving.  This makes my families showing even more sad.  I couldn't even snuggle the hubby.  He was simply not mentally there.  I felt badly for feeling so blue.  It is just depressing to crawl into a cold bed on your b-day.  A day to celebrate.  I know it will get better.  Just bad timing this year. 

fairy cake for my sister

I am thankful for few things though.  Abby bought my a "mom" necklace a week ago with her own money.  That was very sweet.  My girlfriend who has a three week old baby even remember and made her customary "Happy B-day" phone call.  And there was that beautifully comical rendition of Happy Birthday with a lighter.  Really the small things need to be celebrated.  I will post here a few cakes I have made for other's b-days that were not so sad.   They remind me that where there is frosting a sugar coma blissfully waits.

Dragon for the Hubby's B-day in 08

Pink purse cake for Lily

Life Happens

It has been a while since I wrote.  Things are happening, and at rates that I am having a very difficult time keeping up with.  I can't really say that all the happenings are bad or upsetting,   Rather some of them are simple blessings in disguise.

My hubby's Aunt passed away Thursday morning.   We all knew that it was coming and even that it would be rather soon.   Is it sad to say that I am relieved?  We have spent the last month and a half visiting, praying, and wondering.  Now that she has been called home I feel confident that all is well.  The funeral is this evening and burial tomorrow morning.   The weekend was spent taking care of details to celebrate her life and visiting with family that otherwise isn't around.  Sunday evening we planted a beautiful tree in her memory for Uncle Russ.  We chose an Autumn Blaze Pear.  This is a non-fruit baring tree with white flowers in the spring and bright red leaves in the fall.  I know that she would love it.

The unfortunate part is that all day Sunday my Hubby's family worked together to accomplish the planting, but not to talk about his aunt.  There was a huge White Elephant in the room.  So when we were trying to sit down to dinner there was an unfortunate accident in which my brother-in-law was carrying in part of dinner from the grill and some landed on the ground.  My father-in-law over reacted, which led to my brother-in-law driving off and my sister-in-law in tears.  It was awful.  It was life.  This is what one can only expect to happen when you put a bunch of people who are hurting together, and no one talks about the pain.  It only manifests in ways that no one plans or means.

They all came to dinner at my house last night, minus the brother-in-law.  He seems to still be holding a grudge.  I thought perhaps a change of scenery would help.  Everyone seemed to enjoy it, but I have a lot of left overs!  Anyone hungry?

I will have to put on my game face for this evening.  It is not going to be easy.  Thank God for children that remind us that life goes on.   They remind us that God has a plan and his plan is always what is best, even if we don't understand it at the time.   They remind us that even when life seems dark, the light of Christ will just shine brighter to lead us back home.  Here are a few pics that are perfect examples.